Funny John Cleese

ALERTS TO THREATS IN 2011 EUROPE : BY JOHN CLEESE May 5, 2011



The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Libya and the
announcement of the death of Osama bin Laden, and have therefore raised
their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” Soon though, security levels
may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.” The English
have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly
ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to “A Bloody
Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning
level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.



The Scots have raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Let’s get the
Bastards.” They don’t have any other levels. This is the reason they have
been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.


The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror
alert level from “Run” to “Hide.” The only two higher levels in France are
“Collaborate” and “Surrender.” The rise was precipitated by a recent fire
that destroyed France ‘s white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the
country’s military capability.


Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to
“Elaborate Military Posturing.” Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat
Operations” and “Change Sides.”


The Germans have increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance”
to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.” They also have two higher
levels: “Invade a Neighbor” and “Lose.”


Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat
they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .


The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy.
These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy
can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.


Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from “No worries”
to “She’ll be alright, Mate.” Two more escalation levels remain:
“Crikey! I think we’ll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!” and “The
barbie is canceled.” So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final
escalation level.


– John Cleese – British writer (of Monty Python fame), actor and tall person
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